


Eight Mistakes

by JJmadchillin



Category: The Mechanisms (Band)
Genre: Angst, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/F, Gaslighting, Physical Abuse, Physical Disability, Toxic Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:40:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27657650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JJmadchillin/pseuds/JJmadchillin
Summary: A Diary Entry By Dr. Carmilla on Her Traumatic Relationship With Lorali
Relationships: Dr Carmilla/Loreli (Dr. Carmilla)
Kudos: 6





	Eight Mistakes

**Author's Note:**

> i enjoy causing people pain

It used to be fine. We used to be able to sit down and have a conversation. We used to talk about things. We used to be able to walk around town without being questioned. But then everything changed. It started off in the bedroom. Lorali asked one day to try being more dominant in bed, and I said yes.

That was mistake number one. Letting her take control.

It didn’t start off as anything more than degradation—the occasional slap, or comment on how bad I was in bed with her. Then she stopped listening. When I would tell her, it was too much she wouldn’t stop. And when I said no, she would do it anyway. And I let it happen again and again.

Mistake number two. Letting it keep going.

I let it keep happening because I really loved her. With everything I was, I loved her. Because as long as it was in the bedroom, it was fine, right? As long as no one noticed what was happening, nothing was happening.

Mistake number three. Letting everyone believe we were fine.

I wanted to tell someone what was happening. I wanted to tell anyone what was happening. And I told Lorali that. She told me things. She told me “No one would believe you. Because you’re not hot enough to have that happen to you.” She told me “If you tell anyone, I will leave you. I own everything you do. And what would happen when I leave you? No one would even look at you. And no one would want you beyond your ass. Anyone who tells you otherwise is lying to you. And you know it.”

Mistake number four. Believing her words.

I should have known what she was doing. I should have known that she was trying to hurt me. And I think I did. Deep down I think I knew. But I didn’t want to know what she was doing, so I believed her. I believed her and kept myself ignorant. Because it felt ten times harder to leave her. After everything that had happened with us, I couldn’t leave here because she had told me what it was like out in the world. She told me lies. I didn’t know it, but she was lying to me. About everything. All because I didn’t know better. But then it left it just being in the bedroom

Mistake number five. Not letting go.

People began to notice that things weren’t quite right anymore. Whenever someone came over, they would ask why my hands began to shake when I dropped their glass. It was always a few of the Lorali approved excuses: “Sorry! Loud noises scare me” “I’ll get you a new glass, I’m so sorry”, “I’m so sorry, it was my fault”. Because Lorali got some sort of sick entertainment from watching me cut my hands on the glass. She would follow me into the kitchen to lap at the cuts on my hands. And then she’d squeeze them. Until they were purple around the edges. Until I had to start wearing bandages on my hands because they wouldn’t stop bleeding anymore. Then shed start moving up my arms. Further and further, she’d cut up my arm for a drink. And so further and further up the bandages went.

Mistake number six. Letting her lie to everyone.

Lorali would always tell anyone that asked what was wrong that I was just shy. She would say “she’s just shy” or “she’s just a bit cold today” and everyone believed her. Because who would think that a 6’ tall woman would be getting hurt by someone 5’9. Because everyone thinks that lesbians exist to have sex and be happy together. So Lorali answering for me wasn’t seen as strange, it was seen as endearing. Because “they know each other so well, they answer for each other!” Everyone was too ignorant to see that something wasn’t right. And when people tried to ask more questions, Lorali gave them a look—I’ll never forget that look—that would make them stop in their tracks and turn around. And when we got home, she’d kick my cane out from my hand and laugh when I fell, before dragging me around by my hair.

Mistake number seven. Arguing with Lorali.

I should have known not too. I should have known to just let it be and let Lorali yell and scream until her heart was content. And I learnt my lesson very quickly. Lorali is very quick to anger. Whenever I would drop something, or go to quiet, or get too loud, she’d start yelling. And usually, I’d just be quiet and agree when I needed too. Then I could avoid too much of a bad night. But I didn’t on that night. That one night. Looking back, it was probably the night where I learnt just how bad things were. Lorali was yelling at me for being too quiet, saying things like “WHY DONT YOU SPEAK UP?! HUH?! AFRAID OF THE CONSEQUENCES!? YOU WOULD BE **NOTHING** IF IT WASNT FOR ME!” And so, I snapped. I said some things, she said some things. Then I was dragged by my hair to the bedroom. That awful place where it always goes bad.

Mistake number eight. Trying to resist.

I should have known by then that trying to resist only made things ten times worse. But, of course, I tried to anyway. Lorali was already fuming, and trying to resist made her even worse. By the end of the night, she had bitten me until I bled, and left me tied to the bed, too tightly, to bleed from everywhere. A night full of screaming and begging, and not the good kind. She broke my cane, after using it to jab at me too hard. She had said “You don’t really need this, it’s all in your head.” And made me crawl around on the floor, kicking me whenever she felt like it.

That happened for too long. I thought it would get better if i stayed. not to be the one to state the obvious, but it didnt. And to cut a long story short, Lorali turned me into someone like _her_ and I couldnt stand it. So, I left. I left her and nearly everyone I knew on that planet for the stars. And honestly, i dont miss it.

Also Fuck You Von Raum For Making Me Write About My Trauma Because "I Need too Deal With My Trauma!" Fuck Off

**Author's Note:**

> Hey sorry if the end wasnt quiet right to carmillas backstory, i havent read it yet


End file.
